Max is:
- Proving that means nothing. There was a strange audience
surge.
Conologue:
- If you missed the Oscars, they're still going. Helen Mirrin
won for her role in The Queen, and Queen Elizabeth has invited her to
tea. Bush similarly invited Larry the Cable Guy. The show was almost
four hours; in most countries it was edited to one hour. But it was the
hour those dancers were making shadow puppets. They spent nine years of
their lives learning how to make a lamp. Archaeologists claim to have
found the tomb (actually the ossuary) of Jesus, his wife, and kids.
Some are suspicious because they claim the kids are Madison, Chuck, and
Ray-Ray. ``Come to me, Ray-Ray! You have displeased me!'' Angelina
Jolie is joining the Council on Foreign Relations. Kofi Annan will play
the part of Laura Croft in Tomb Raider III. JetBlue is suffering more
flight delays and cancellations because of a snowstorm. They say in
their defense they're more of a May-through-August airline. The Defense
Department hired psychics to find bin Laden; they haven't located him,
but predict he'll soon find true love. In Hong Kong a 107-year-old man
says he's lived so long because of his decision to give up sex. He said
he had to give up sex: he liked old women. Max seemed surprised by that
joke. The audience didn't initially applaud that Jim Gaffigan would be
there with Pale Force until they heard Jim Gaffigan was on again. Conan
should come to rehearsal. ``You rehearse that show?'' ``Yes we do,
Dad. Put down that beer.''
Walkover: The Eurythmics. Would I lie to you?
There's some weird whooping tidal surge that Conan likes, but
that happens in strange places. ``Let's go to Conan and applaud
sarcastically.''
The Oscars demand $15,000 per clip, but Late Night can't afford it. If
they used a clip anyway the Oscars would sue Late Night and ban NBC from
future Oscars. So, Pierre Barnard is recreating scenes from the Oscars,
with the happiest photo they could find of him:
- Alan Arkin wins Best Supporting Actor.
- Eddie Murphy is visibly disappointed. Pierre's in a
moustache.
- Jack Nicholson's head was shaved. 'I'm Jack Nicholson and I'm
bald.'
- Melissa Ethridge performed her song from 'An Inconvenient
Truth'. ``I love you, my wife.''
- Ennio Martoni won for his film scoring. His speech was in
Italian.
- Helen Mirrin looked ravishing. Pierre thanks the Academy.
This is not a touch of class.
- Touching montage of people we lost. This was special. It's a
montage of Pierre expressions.
NBC's Made-for-TV movie about the Oscars Cast List: (That's explained appluase)
- George Lucas played by Wolf Blitzer.
- Martin Scorcese: Eugene Levy.
- Abigal Breslin: Bob Costas.
- James Taylor: Mister Burns.
- Clint Eastwood: An Egyptian baboon.
- Forest Whittaker: Mister Potato Head.
- Ellen Degeneres: David Spade.
- Celine Dion: The Wicked Witch of the West. That woman really
likes that one; get her a copy of it. He likes her.
- The Kodak Theater, which had over 3,000 celebrities in it at
one time, will be played by Paris Hilton.
- Joan Rivers: The Cryptkeeper.
- Jack Nicholson: Britney Spears.
Jim Gaffigan:
(Yay Television, it's better than books.)
- Why do they play you on with 'Play That Funky Music, White
Boy'? He wrote it. He's all about the funk. He's a father, just
became a priest. Two kids, 2 1/2 year-old girl, 1 year-old boy, both
gay. It's like living with orang utans. Exhausting watching his wife.
He's busy napping. She's started spelling in front of her daughter,
reminding him how dumb he is. 'Don't say anything about the
I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M.' 'Who's in the emergency room?' His wife's a special
lady.
- New episode of Pale Force. They play villains like Lady
Bronze, voiced by Eartha Kitt. Or, Jim Gaffigan pretending to be Eartha
Kitt. Conan's not so thrilled with his parts. Conan's weak, scrawny,
cowardly and in every episode wets himself. 'Don't give away what's
happening.' In this episode, he doesn't wet himself. It's all about
his romantic life. In real life he's married; the focus group didn't
buy it. So he and his publicist say he's married; just say this is
before that. He'd give Conan some creative input, but he really doesn't
want to.
Pale Force: Conan In Love.
- People who love Zach Braff, Dane Cook, Jimmy Fallon in a chat
room. Conan's just wearing pink underwear and a cape. Conan wants a
picture. Lady Bronze sends a stick figure. Jim's skeptical,
considering the marriages to Yoko Ono, Tom Arnold, Sally Jessie Raphael.
President Bush doesn't approve of same-sex partners. It's all to catch
a predator-esque. Why would she ask why Conan was a virgin when she'd
have to know? Stone Phillip's battery is low.
- Does Conan have to leave cringing and whimpering? They
studied him. It's the season finale coming up. He thinks this will
finally win Conan over. In this episode Conan's in a coma after being
hit by a beach ball in the head. Taking a look at the tease takes a
little working.
Liev Schreiber:
- He's going to be a dad with Naomi Watts. She presented on the
Oscars, so his child was, in a way, on the Oscars. He gave her a little
grief but ... He's trying to stay out of the way of decisions, like
names, as everything he tries to do is wrong. He doesn't go to his
house much anymore. He won't name the kid Liev; it's maybe the most
horrible name. You can't really call anyone Liev. Has the thought
about Conan? That's another one. Liev thinks he looks creepy. It's
what people who stop him in the street say. He's ready to get out of
the stage in his life where people stop him in the street and say he's
creepy. He thinks he's just got an odd look. His father's
good-looking, tall, athletic; his mom's beautiful, small, chubby cheeks.
The combination is like an If They Mated. He's got a good jaw line,
good eyebrows, and then marsupial cheeks (which are good for storing
nuts for the winter).
- He did four CSI episodes; it must be hard taking over for the
main guy in such a cult show. It was great, but he did something
stupid, going to online forums to see how he was doing. People said who
the heck was him, was he replacing Grissom, called him ugly. He can't
be ugly and creepy: he has a hot girlfriend. But by the end they said
they didn't have to kill him on the show. He's doing the play 'Talk
Radio'. Years ago he did Henry V in the park; Liev thought Conan dozed
off in the audience. 'Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once
more' and he saw an orange bouffant dipping his head down. It may have
been a drowsy orang utan who had a few too many drinks. Conan only nods
off during this show. He loves when people say they're coming to his
show.
+ Marsupials are, of course, noted for their pouches (though not
all marsupials do have them; some species just let the young cling to
the mother and trust that not too many will fall off). They are not
particularly noticed for their cheeks, nor for storing food for winter.
Liev and Conan were likely thinking of some manner of rodent such as
chipmunks.
Solomon Burke:
- From 'Nashville': 'That's How I Got To Memphis,'
perhaps? Whatever; it's excellent. With a wonderful
performance. Hiding a microphone in flowers is just genius.
Excellent work.
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